Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Talk The Walk - If You Can't Beat 'Em ..... (Part One)

As the £1,4 billion Train to Gain scheme bit the dust. in the Spending Review, 75,000 newly funded apprenticeships were announced. There are four reasons why there have been no protests from companies about the loss of Train to Gain. Firstly, in the main the usual suspect larger employers received over 90% of this funding 2)Train to Gain funded training is training these usual suspects would have done anyway especially of training that was legally mandated 3) they've spent the money 4) the same usual suspect companies will expect to scoop the bulk of the 75,000 apprenticeships funding.

Whilst government could create rules that only fund apprenticeships for micro enterprises that are within their first eighteen months of trading (this is where the growth will come from) it is unlikely they will. So micro enterprise owners need to get cannier at looking and talking more like a usual suspect company in order to win government funded support and training. In this first of an occasional series we look at 'Talk the Walk' - speaking the right language.   


In order to get their fair share of government funded business and skills support small, micro enterprise owners and the self employed  need to learn the lingo of the corporates and senior civil servants. Simply memorise this easy to learn little ditty and you'll always have in your mind an impressive phrase to use when meeting government representatives. Wear a suit (men and women) and you're sure to become an attractive proposition for government funded business and skills support.

JUGGLING TOO MANY BALLS



It was the end of the day but I felt I was under the radar. I needed to make a paradigm shift so I pushed the needle. Out of the window of opportunity I thought I saw an elephant in a room shooting the puppy. I looped back and found the elephant before it swallowed the frog or screwed the pooch. Then I made sure I'd got all my ducks in a row. Just in time I remembered I was a vegetarian so it was case of just-add-water before feeding through the pipeline.


I knew I needed a better view so I chose to drill up on a strategic staircase and follow that with a spot of helicoptering. That was my opportunity for some blue sky thinking and on our way to touch base there was just time for some singing off the same hymn sheet before drilling down for an idea shower.

After my idea shower I got into bed with a prime mover and serious player. It was heads up, belly up, no navel gazing and sprinkle the magic. After sprinkling our magic we went bottom fishing for desk yeti. We then jumped the shark and wrong sided the demographic. Perhaps it was a case of juggling too many balls but after a brain detox we thought outside the box, picked low hanging fruit and at the end of the day could knife and fork it.


(please note: the wonderfully funny and useful guide to enterprise 'Stripping for Freedom' -available at amazon.co.uk - has a glossary explaining the meaning of each of these phrases but it's unlikely that the officials, managers and leaders that you meet, whilst being familiar with all of them, will know what any of them mean.)


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Small Business Policy Writer - After the Spending Review

If you think the senior civil servants that drafted George Osborne's Spending Review speech had a hard time, please spare a thought for the senior civil servant, in BIS, tonight who is writing some exciting new policies for small business to show that the government 'really, really' cares about them.  All of the new policies will need to be put together within a total cost of a £fiver .

Now, you might think a fiver isn't a lot to allocate to small business support, including start ups, but in fact it's not far off what small businesses have received for many years from government. The budgeting is modelled on a Treasury variation of Pareto, it's called the Fat-cat-o rule. It states that  95% of all government skills and support funding, including bale out money, must go to 'substantial employers' (code for fat cats) and civil service infrastructure to quality assure it (code for jobs for the boys), and up to 5% or a fiver (whichever is less) can go to 4.3 million other businesses in the UK.

So think of it that, theoretically,  £5.3 billion cuts in BIS will affect 30,000 bigger businesses. But only a little bit because they've already taken the money and run. It will still leave the fiver, that there was before, to help start ups and small business owners to survive and thrive. 

It does mean that the civil servant who is drafted in to write the new small business support policies won't fit with your picture of a drab, grey, middle aged man on £150,000 a year awaiting his millionaire's pension, yacht and retirement mansion, often but not always in  that order. No, this civil servant will be a creative sort - a fantasist. Ever since the election, and the inexorable rise of the dream party coalition, this person will have been locked up in a room in Ivory Tower or the dungeons at 1 Victoria Street, as far away as possible from the influence of real small business owners, until they come up with the goods. Their only two companions will be the complete works of JK Rowling and an inspiring photograph of a new, yet ridiculously rich, small business owner - usually Tony Blair.

Now you may say that you've heard government announcements from time to time like '£60 million invested into small firms training' . Ah, but in fact by the time they've set up the infrastructure, including quality assurance, and then brought in the contractors to deliver the training there's usually only - good, you're catching on - a fiver - left for the small business owner.

We asked our expert civil servant small business policy writer watcher what they thought we might expect in terms of small business support policy following the Spending Review  'Three things' said our anonymous expert 'and maybe a couple of others as padding which will never see the light of day. I expect the new initiatives to support small businesses to be derived from what are known in the policy writing trade as ESB, OAHBS and TURDV.


'Let me explain,' our anonymous expert continued, ' ESB – the Entrepreneurial Smart Box’, OAHBS (pronounced Oh, Ah, Bees) – the Open All Hours Business School and the TURDV (the V is silent) – Training U-like Response Discount Vouchers’.

The Minister will be able to announce that he is ‘delighted that these three 'joined up' initiatives can be delivered with a light touch but represent a step change in additionality.These initiatives are truly original and bear no relationship to what has worked in helping start ups and growing businesses in the past.'

'In fact,' he will continue, 'the ESB, Entrepreneurial Smart Box, was ‘trail-blazed’ in five regions with twelve entrepreneurs per region locked away in a top hotel/leisure resort for eight weeks. There the entrepreneurs could mix business with leisure and bounce ideas off each other. Their conversations were taped and fed back to them as they slept. This ‘learning from peers’ process was felt to be very successful and eight weeks deemed to be just long enough for a business to prove that it could survive without the presence of the Owner Manager. Indeed, nearly two-thirds of the businesses did survive.

The OAHBS – Open All Hours Business School has proven very popular with small business owners who need to relax after business hours with a drink. Top business schools at Cranfield, Durham, Warwick, Scarborough and Manchester now mix the ‘gin’ of management and leadership development with the ‘tonic’ of entrepreneurial ribaldry and retribution. An additional feature is the opportunity to visit other Business schools by train. Indeed, one entrepreneur rated the experience of six hours of buffet trolley hospitality between Scarborough and York as ‘staggering’.

Finally, TURDV – Training U-like Response Discount Vouchers allows the small business owner  to invest in technology and to maximise their use of it. So, for example, a business owner purchasing any Microsoft Office package will be given £50 in vouchers for training support by Microsoft for any other Microsoft software they purchase next.   A similar voucher scheme is likely to be used by banks for micro loans to start ups. So, instead of money the prospective entrepreneur will be given vouchers which will be redeemable against business planning advice from a bank adviser. Much more useful'


A lot to look forward to then, for a fiver,  from small business policy after the Spending Review.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

CULLING FOR KINDNESS - MY ENTERPRISE SPENDING REVIEW

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As you know from my latest animated short movie 'A Sting In The Tail' http://www.youtube.com/soculitherz#p/a/u/0/13Ez-QHiEq0 the problem with government 'getting' enterprise is not really that much to do with public schoolboys and Oxbridge graduates that have never started and run an enterprise. It is much more to do with the role of their advisers, namely,  senior civil servants, top johnny consultants and glampreneurs.  If we rounded this lot up into the penthouse office suites of Ivory Tower or the dungeons of BIS at 1 Victoria Street and asked them questions about enterprise, and the skills and support required to do it, what would we find?

We'd find out that we have well meaning, very bright and highly qualified people with a pretty fair knowledge of the City, corporate management, leadership, 'walk the walk' jargon, professional occupations and traditional, functional vocations.  They will even have an inkling of what businesses that start up with lots of financial backing, staff and even large amounts of first year's revenue (e.g.Tony Blair's, alleged, £12 million consultancy biz) look like.  They will know what an independent retailer, an e-bay trader, a small private gym, a barber's shop, an independent cafe and a B&B  in Scarborough  (no - strike that) look like.

What most of these advisers to Ministers, like the Ministers themselves, are absolutely clueless on is what the 1 in 7 of the adult workforce, running their own enterprises, actually have to do in order to earn their living. They think there's something wrong with us, as small and home business owners, if we let on that the owner of most of the 400,000 start ups a year will earn less than £12,000 in the first year for themselves. They think there's something wrong  that as many start up their own business out of necessity rather than opportunity. They can't see that starting and running our own enterprise is in fact the top UK career option - for many of us it's even all  we can do.

They'll think there's something wrong that 90% of us work very long hours but have no intention of taking on more and in most cases, any, staff. They think  there's something wrong with our ambition that most of us will start and  continue working from home. They'll think there's something wrong that most of us prefer controlling our own destiny, by being our own boss, and prefer the online and offline community of others that do the same  We'd rather do that then joining a professional or sector body to  follow the best practice of the corporates.

Even glampreneur advisers to government don't always understand all of this. Enterquest published a survey of enterprise owners, this week, which showed that most thought that Dragons Den entrepreneurs, overall, were not helpful to small business).

Many of these government advisers say that most small business owners, like me, are 'Not strategic enough', 'Can't manage', 'Poor business plan', 'Banks would lend if they got half decent proposals', 'No idea on recruitment', motivation and people'. Indeed, they think there's something wrong when we say 'Selling your product or service', and getting the most hours each week doing this, is the most vital enterprise skill - 'can't others do that?'

There may be plenty wrong with us but none of the above. However, the growth in self employment and micro enterprises (don't like the 'word' - 'SMEs') over the last 20 years has truly, and proudly, made us the new working class of Britain and we are very different from these government advisers.

We are also where all the growth will come from, where the new jobs come from, where the innovation comes from, and where economic well being, communities and social cohesion will be built from.  We probably wouldn't even swap places with our 'higher ups'.

However, the government's enterprise support and learning policies will always be lost in translation until this yawning (still with us?) gap of understanding is closed between government advisers and enterprise owners.

For policies to work, and most importantly to be implemented in a way that works (everyone will say its working if they're receiving funding to do it - even if it's the daftest thing you ever saw). these advisers must understand what attitudes, skills and know how are really needed to start and run your own self employed, micro or small enterprise. 

Government and their advisers must also understand who is trusted by us, as small business owners, to help us gain the appropriate support, skills and know how to succeed (other small business owners and accountants usually come out top).

The stakes are high. With the right support, skills and know-how over 85% of all start ups will still be trading in 3 years time and 6% will become substantial businesses.

We have £millions of research and tens of thousands of small business owners each year providing testimony as to what is required and who should provide it. This evidence includes what pre start and start up support is essential and what must be available to all. It includes what the banks must do, what  the colleges and universities must do, what the enterprise support communities must do and to how enterprise networks like Ecademy, Institute of Enterprise and Entrepreneurs and others can be enabled to do more.

The sting in the tail is that I don't see any likelihood of these advisers wanting to get their hands dirty by really finding out - certainly not to the point of understanding and empathy.

Therefore, my recommendation is that the Spending Review should announce that there will be no government department responsible for business support, innovation and skills. There will be no BIS.

I realise this means lots of job losses in BIS and in the consultancies they contract with but I know we'll help them all as start ups and ultimately they may be poorer but they'll be a damned sight happier and more interesting.. This solution means no more government funded business support or skills interventions. It means no more government support for any size of private sector organisation. So it will mean no more bale outs to the fat cats, no more trade missions,  no more Business Links or local replacements for these, no more colleges and universities funded to provide management, leadership or entrepreneurship courses and no government funded start up support and training.

I think enterprise (self employed, micro and small and home business owners) can do it for themselves and make the UK the best place to start and run your own enterprise. We'll even mentor the unemployed wanting to become self employed - free of charge, initially. Naturally we'll set up enterprises to do all of this and most people will pay for quality enterprise support and training - but surely that's better? 

It's the government intervention, without understanding, that is no longer affordable and is holding enterprise back..   

Saturday, October 02, 2010

A Sting In The Tail (Dark Secret Part Two)

YouTube - Soculitherz's Channel#p/a/u/0/13Ez-QHiEq0#p/a/u/0/13Ez-QHiEq0

'A Sting in the Tail' (Dark Secret Part Two) Here's the second animated extract from the best selling satire and 'Be your own Boss' guide 'Stripping for Freedom'. Enjoy.
YouTube - Soculitherz's Channel#p/a/u/0/13Ez-QHiEq0#p/a/u/0/13Ez-QHiEq0

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Sunday, January 31, 2010

UK's New Sheeprentices Scheme

UPDATE ON SHEEP ENTREPRENEUR APPRENTICESHIP SCHEME IN THE UK

From: Leonora Soculitherz – a cave in the Yukon (just a precaution fans)

Sunday, January 24th 2010

Dear Fans and Followers,

I received a letter from my hapless and hopeless UK agent, Tony Robinson (TR), today. I'd like to share it with you as it shows that nothing much has changed for the better in the UK since I left last summer, apart from, of course, that Stripping for Freedom 2nd edition was published there this month.

A word of explanation. As my readers will know, TR is not only a hopeless agent, an uncoordinated danger (to hair and frocks) at dinners, parties and receptions but he is also a past master at mangling the English language. I'm sure that no-one has understood what he's said for years. This makes it all the stranger that he acts as a consultant to Oxbridge educated, well dressed, London based, senior civil servants. I've always suspected that they write his reports and recommendations to themselves and of course he's dirt cheap – enough money for a cinder toffee ice cream and a pint of Black Sheep and he's anybody's.

Talking of sheep that is why he wrote to me. He was seeking my advice. Why he expects to me know anything about sheep puzzles me but my best guess is that he confuses Canadians, like me, with New Zealanders. As he will never visit either place, has no spatial awareness and a pathetic grasp of what inhabits planet earth it is unlikely he will appreciate that there is a difference in size between the two countries, some distance between them and that the Arctic polar bear is unlikely to be found in Christchurch or the kiwi in Toronto.

The reason he was seeking my advice on sheep is that he has set up a 'School for Entrepreneurial Sheep' near Goathland (he probably thought this sounded appropriate) on the N. Yorkshire Moors. How he came to win this government funded contract to train enterprise skills and know how to sheep may be surprising to you but it is not surprising to me.

Apparently some government departments had an underspend (amazing really after all the £billions they've used up supporting big companies in handouts, training and the Private Finance Initiative schemes). The priorities like expense/allowance claims, second homes, pensions, city bonuses, ex Ministers top 500 consultancies and Iraq damage limitation inquiries had all been dealt with and so some speculative new programmes could now be funded.

TR had been to see them about enterprise apprenticeships in the land-based industries. I suspect he'd been interested in farmers' sons and daughters setting up micro breweries but as usual his inability to speak English completely confused his potential clients. What he left the meeting with was a short term contract, to be completed this financial year (March 31st), to pilot an enterprise academy for farm animals, starting with sheep.

Apparently, when TR had, probably hopefully, thrown the words 'supply chain' into the conversation the civil servants thought he'd come up with a novel idea of a reverse supply chain. Simply put this would get the animals which provide the end products (wool, beef, bacon, milk, eggs, turkey) to gain more entrepreneurial skills and then teach these skills up line to the farmer, and the farmer to the abattoir manager, and so on, eventually reaching the Tesco and McDonalds directors and finally Government Ministers. Who would know more about innovation, risk taking, increasing productivity and better value for money for customers than the animal itself? Here's TR's letter to me:

A School - somewhere in North Yorkshire - Thursday 21st January 2010

Dear Leonora,

My first sheeprentices have arrived but I'm not convinced they quite have the right attitude for entrepreneurship - sheepish isn't the kind of outgoing behaviour we were looking for. The little lambs seem to have more get up and go – but they've gone and I don't know where. Anyway, any advice you can give would be welcome as Ofsted are inspecting in a week's time. Hopefully, by then, they'll at least have learned to sit still at their desks.

They look startled all the time - is that normal? They seem to only know the first two letters of the alphabet and in the reverse order. It's going to be a long job to get them ready to do their pitch on Dragons' Den and I'm not even going to mention the word dragon at this stage. Sir Alan Sugar will be a bit frustrated with them, on his show, as even when you split them up into different teams they all go off together and intermingle. No obvious leaders up to now.

I've taken the advice of a local farmer to try to keep them in line with the threat of mint sauce and a salsa dip but as I can't understand much of his Yorkshire accent, this far North in Yorkshire, I've no idea why. I don't think my dream of becoming the Farm Animal Enterprise Tsar is going to happen. My brief was a bit woolly from the start and I wasn't sure about the local Business Link diagnostic to select the candidates.

Any help will be greatly appreciated

Your faithful, and honoured, literary agent,

Tony Robinson OBE