Monday, December 28, 2009
Monday, December 07, 2009
Ministers' Speeches Automatic Translator Launched
The Soculitherz patented, automatic, simultaneous translator (in hot pink) of Ministers’ speeches for Senior Civil Servants.
As part of the government speed and efficiency drive, which lasts several months up to the announcement of the next election, Ministers have found a way of reducing the time they need to spend with their senior civil servants. Ministers have commissioned Canadian celebrity, fashionista, investigative journalist and absurd British rituals analyst, Leonora Soculitherz, to devise ‘a process to deliver’ automatic, simultaneous translations of their speeches This will enable senior civil servants to understand immediately what was meant by the phrases used.
Ms Soculitherz was regarded as ideal for this job as a) she is expensive and a celebrity b) she is reclusive, is abroad and speaks French i.e. the press can’t interview her, and, c) she has spent a lot of time following the language and habits of the UK’s leadership species in their own environment. This includes politicians and senior civil servants in historical, posh and privileged gaffs, UK financial sector executives in either casinos or lap dancing clubs and fat cat, major employers getting fatter from handouts in historical, posh and privileged gaffs, casinos and lap dancing clubs.
Government are so pleased with Ms Soculitherz’s patented, simultaneous translator (in hot pink) that they have allowed her hapless but only authorised UK agent, Tony Robinson, to post this BBC report on today’s announced ‘Government Spending Cut Backs’ to show how it works. The automatic, simultaneous translation for the senior civil servants is in bold.
Brown promises action on 'excessive' public sector pay
Gordon Brown outlined the plan for spending cuts at the Royal Society in London
Gordon Brown has said overpaid public sector workers will be "named and shamed" (don’t worry this is v. unlikely - only applies to those criticising our policies or track record) in efforts to deliver more value for money in public services.
Ahead of Wednesday's pre-Budget report, the PM said "efficiency savings" (‘efficiency’ means ‘hypothetical’ throughout i.e. budgets for projects we would have spent if we had not decided not to spend anything or any more on these projects plus we’ve added a bit more hypothetical savings on top - using numbers that are really, really easy for us all to add up or divide) would help to save £12bn over four years - £3bn more than planned in the Budget.
‘Crime maps’ and ‘online school reports’ will be used to cut overheads as Labour tries to halve the Budget deficit (just routine tech gobbledygook – again don’t worry they’re just a repackaging of electronic data we’ve got already – we’ve got more data on everyone than any other country in the world which is why we can afford to lose so much of it on trains, planes and taxis – hee, hee..).
The Conservatives say the government is not being straight on the cuts needed.
The government has delayed its planned ‘comprehensive spending review’ until after a general election (whenever you see the word ‘review’ this relates to a distant point in time by which time the need for a review will have been overtaken by other events.)
'Culture of excess'
In the pre-Budget report, Mr Darling is expected to confirm annual borrowing will ‘top £175bn’ - which the government has promised to halve within four years (the word ‘top’ is an indicator to you that the figures have been inflated but are still really, really easy to add up or divide – they’re so big no-one understands how we guessed them in the first place and we always add on the odd £25 billion so that we can show a big improvement through cuts & savings).
In his speech in central London, Mr Brown said ministers had identified ‘£3bn in additional efficiency savings’ since the Budget in April. (we thought 3 was a great number – spooky I know - but if you divide 9 by 3 you get 3 so we added another 3 to get 12) Of that, ‘£1.3bn over four years’ (again it’s all in the maths using the lucky number 3 – our fave of the really, really easy numbers - so if you divide the 12 by 3 you get 4 then divide the 4 by 3 and you get 1.3 – hey presto) would be achieved by streamlining central government, he said, indicating that certain ‘programmes would have to be delayed or abandoned’ (ie. hypothetical programmes we never could have afforded we’ve now saved by delaying or abandoning what we were never going to do).
Government spending on ‘consultants’ would be cut by half and communication spending by a quarter - saving £650m - while more Civil Service staff would be relocated from London to "cheaper" premises. (please, please don’t worry the consultants or the staff – basically before anything happens to staff or consultants there has to be a ‘review’ and the consultant’s charges will be hidden within the £60 million costs of each relocation plus the hypothetical staff savings)
Whitehall departments could set up "common spending policies" (we may have to use less consultants and companies to deliver our programmes but give each one of them a lot more money each – this continues our current procurement practice to save the bother of having too many small suppliers – all getting too little from us) and ‘share office space’ (we’ll have a lot of empty space in the new premises we buy for relocation and the old premises we can’t get rid of – it’ll be a bit of a muddle for a while) , as part of a "third generation of changes in public services" (we kept to our overall theme of 3 as in 3rd – don’t worry there wasn’t a 1st and 2nd that you missed).
In its report, Putting The Frontline First, the government points out there are now 4,300 senior civil servants compared with 3,100 in the mid-1990s. (yes, we know, we rounded up again which is always best when you’re rushing – if you divide 3,100 by 3 you get 1033 – so the real, hypothetical number of current senior civil servants – no-one will ask us how we defined ‘senior’ - should have been 4,233)
Mr Brown said public sector workers earning an "over-generous" (we haven’t found any of these yet) salary would be "named and shamed" (see above – don’t worry if you’re on our side), as many had "lost touch" (if we do find any then there must be some other perks and kick backs that they’re getting that the rest of us aren’t - this kind of unsharing, ungiving abnormality will not be tolerated (except in former leading public servants).
In future, all new public sector jobs with salaries above £150,000 (i.e you’ll have to make do with the £129k to £147k current pay band until after the election but we’ll see what we can do on allowances),will have to be approved by the Treasury while the details of civil servants and other public sector managers under direct ministerial control currently earning that amount will be published.
Government would use technological advances to make services more user-friendly and cheaper. As an example, ‘sending text messages to remind patients about GP appointments could help save up to £600m a year wasted on missed visits.’ (I know, I know - we will need a team of crack £147k p.a. leading public servants to set up a Sector Skills Council - Skills4GP&Patient Texting so that we can pay leading consultants to devise training methods for massive training companies, from overseas, to deliver to GPs and patients so that no-one inadvertently texts ‘u’ll b dead 11 tmrw – dr T’ instead of ‘u’ll b due at 11 tmrw – dr T’)
Finis
As part of the government speed and efficiency drive, which lasts several months up to the announcement of the next election, Ministers have found a way of reducing the time they need to spend with their senior civil servants. Ministers have commissioned Canadian celebrity, fashionista, investigative journalist and absurd British rituals analyst, Leonora Soculitherz, to devise ‘a process to deliver’ automatic, simultaneous translations of their speeches This will enable senior civil servants to understand immediately what was meant by the phrases used.
Ms Soculitherz was regarded as ideal for this job as a) she is expensive and a celebrity b) she is reclusive, is abroad and speaks French i.e. the press can’t interview her, and, c) she has spent a lot of time following the language and habits of the UK’s leadership species in their own environment. This includes politicians and senior civil servants in historical, posh and privileged gaffs, UK financial sector executives in either casinos or lap dancing clubs and fat cat, major employers getting fatter from handouts in historical, posh and privileged gaffs, casinos and lap dancing clubs.
Government are so pleased with Ms Soculitherz’s patented, simultaneous translator (in hot pink) that they have allowed her hapless but only authorised UK agent, Tony Robinson, to post this BBC report on today’s announced ‘Government Spending Cut Backs’ to show how it works. The automatic, simultaneous translation for the senior civil servants is in bold.
Brown promises action on 'excessive' public sector pay
Gordon Brown outlined the plan for spending cuts at the Royal Society in London
Gordon Brown has said overpaid public sector workers will be "named and shamed" (don’t worry this is v. unlikely - only applies to those criticising our policies or track record) in efforts to deliver more value for money in public services.
Ahead of Wednesday's pre-Budget report, the PM said "efficiency savings" (‘efficiency’ means ‘hypothetical’ throughout i.e. budgets for projects we would have spent if we had not decided not to spend anything or any more on these projects plus we’ve added a bit more hypothetical savings on top - using numbers that are really, really easy for us all to add up or divide) would help to save £12bn over four years - £3bn more than planned in the Budget.
‘Crime maps’ and ‘online school reports’ will be used to cut overheads as Labour tries to halve the Budget deficit (just routine tech gobbledygook – again don’t worry they’re just a repackaging of electronic data we’ve got already – we’ve got more data on everyone than any other country in the world which is why we can afford to lose so much of it on trains, planes and taxis – hee, hee..).
The Conservatives say the government is not being straight on the cuts needed.
The government has delayed its planned ‘comprehensive spending review’ until after a general election (whenever you see the word ‘review’ this relates to a distant point in time by which time the need for a review will have been overtaken by other events.)
'Culture of excess'
In the pre-Budget report, Mr Darling is expected to confirm annual borrowing will ‘top £175bn’ - which the government has promised to halve within four years (the word ‘top’ is an indicator to you that the figures have been inflated but are still really, really easy to add up or divide – they’re so big no-one understands how we guessed them in the first place and we always add on the odd £25 billion so that we can show a big improvement through cuts & savings).
In his speech in central London, Mr Brown said ministers had identified ‘£3bn in additional efficiency savings’ since the Budget in April. (we thought 3 was a great number – spooky I know - but if you divide 9 by 3 you get 3 so we added another 3 to get 12) Of that, ‘£1.3bn over four years’ (again it’s all in the maths using the lucky number 3 – our fave of the really, really easy numbers - so if you divide the 12 by 3 you get 4 then divide the 4 by 3 and you get 1.3 – hey presto) would be achieved by streamlining central government, he said, indicating that certain ‘programmes would have to be delayed or abandoned’ (ie. hypothetical programmes we never could have afforded we’ve now saved by delaying or abandoning what we were never going to do).
Government spending on ‘consultants’ would be cut by half and communication spending by a quarter - saving £650m - while more Civil Service staff would be relocated from London to "cheaper" premises. (please, please don’t worry the consultants or the staff – basically before anything happens to staff or consultants there has to be a ‘review’ and the consultant’s charges will be hidden within the £60 million costs of each relocation plus the hypothetical staff savings)
Whitehall departments could set up "common spending policies" (we may have to use less consultants and companies to deliver our programmes but give each one of them a lot more money each – this continues our current procurement practice to save the bother of having too many small suppliers – all getting too little from us) and ‘share office space’ (we’ll have a lot of empty space in the new premises we buy for relocation and the old premises we can’t get rid of – it’ll be a bit of a muddle for a while) , as part of a "third generation of changes in public services" (we kept to our overall theme of 3 as in 3rd – don’t worry there wasn’t a 1st and 2nd that you missed).
In its report, Putting The Frontline First, the government points out there are now 4,300 senior civil servants compared with 3,100 in the mid-1990s. (yes, we know, we rounded up again which is always best when you’re rushing – if you divide 3,100 by 3 you get 1033 – so the real, hypothetical number of current senior civil servants – no-one will ask us how we defined ‘senior’ - should have been 4,233)
Mr Brown said public sector workers earning an "over-generous" (we haven’t found any of these yet) salary would be "named and shamed" (see above – don’t worry if you’re on our side), as many had "lost touch" (if we do find any then there must be some other perks and kick backs that they’re getting that the rest of us aren’t - this kind of unsharing, ungiving abnormality will not be tolerated (except in former leading public servants).
In future, all new public sector jobs with salaries above £150,000 (i.e you’ll have to make do with the £129k to £147k current pay band until after the election but we’ll see what we can do on allowances),will have to be approved by the Treasury while the details of civil servants and other public sector managers under direct ministerial control currently earning that amount will be published.
Government would use technological advances to make services more user-friendly and cheaper. As an example, ‘sending text messages to remind patients about GP appointments could help save up to £600m a year wasted on missed visits.’ (I know, I know - we will need a team of crack £147k p.a. leading public servants to set up a Sector Skills Council - Skills4GP&Patient Texting so that we can pay leading consultants to devise training methods for massive training companies, from overseas, to deliver to GPs and patients so that no-one inadvertently texts ‘u’ll b dead 11 tmrw – dr T’ instead of ‘u’ll b due at 11 tmrw – dr T’)
Finis
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