Soculitherz (Tony Robinson OBE) - Stripping for Freedom

LEARNING FROM LORD SUGAR

2011-01-20T02:36:00.000-08:00

Learning from Lord Sugar

First Impressions

Lord Sugar reminds me of my Dad, although my Dad, sadly, never got close to being Lord Sugar’s age. My Dad also started and ran his own very successful business.

My Dad, like Lord Sugar, came from a poor background, had a basic education and thought that most people, who didn’t know him well, regarded him as a bit ‘rough and gruff’. However, his family, many very loyal, longstanding friends, his staff, customers and suppliers really enjoyed his humour and company. Some of you may be surprised but I think this is an apt description of Lord Sugar too. There are differences, though, as my Dad sold wooden rather than electronic products, was from Yorkshire, taller, fair haired, a Methodist and was never on the telly. Otherwise, they’re very similar.

A Large Dollop of Common Sense

It’s probably not a very fashionable thing to say that I’ve learned a lot from Lord Sugar but I think the things I have learned are worth sharing for other prospective and existing small and home business owners. Many of the things I’ve learned from him seem like just common sense but that’s the problem with our enterprise world there are a lot of theorists, gurus, business professionals, public servants and educationalists that haven’t got the ‘Enterprise T Shirt’ and try to over complicate what we do, day to day. They do it, at our expense, to boost their own earnings.

What I get from Lord Sugar is a large dollop of common sense. Being reminded of the business basics in his articles (all fees for which he gives to charity) and interviews is very useful to me and my business. Reminding people of the bare enterprise essentials in a humorous way is also why I wrote ‘Stripping for Freedom’ and why we founded SFEDI, as we realised that everyone who risks their own time and money to start their own business deserves to get the learning and support in these essential enterprise skills. Over the last few years, I’ve got braver in saying; particularly to women friends, that I admire Lord Sugar. This is because I’ve had some chats with Tim Campbell, the first ‘The Apprentice’ winner.

Whatever Tim Says

Tim, as well as being another hero of mine, is the founder of the fabulous Bright Ideas Trust (BIT) which helps 16-30 year olds in London who just wouldn’t be able to start a business without BIT’s money and mentoring. If you’re in London, do volunteer to help them.

Tim worked with Lord Sugar for two years. He admires him and thinks his advice is spot on too. So, if Tim, the coolest guy in the world, rates Lord Sugar, and what he has to say, then I can come out and say it too.

Before I’m sued, let me clear up another couple of things. If Lord Sugar reads this he may well say he doesn’t know me (‘never heard of the bloke’) and he may also say he’s never said the things which I’ve learned from him.

The Spurs and Amstrad days

Well, back in the day, when he was signing Jurgen Klinsmann for Spurs, he rang me in our little offices, in our small business that we’d started up eight years previously. This was the year before we founded SFEDI. As requested, I then went to see him at Amstrad HQ at Brentwood and then we tried to help him, unsuccessfully on my part, to ‘direct sell’ a particular product through recruiting self-employed distributors.

Although I only met him a few more times in the few months that Amstrad was a client of ours, I did, through his loyal and highly motivated Directors and team learn something of how he operates. I found him funny, personable and a good communicator with absolutely everyone – no airs and graces, no management ‘bullshit’, direct but fair. Since then I’ve read and listened to much of what he says. The following is purely my interpretation and is how he’s influenced me in starting and running my small businesses. I hope some of it helps you to start or run your own business too.

1. Distrustful isn’t a bad place to start

Especially at pre-start, start up and during the first eighteen months of starting your business you’ll find companies, including banks and government agencies, trying to sell you things you just don’t need - particularly expensive toys or protection to make you look like a ‘successful, professional business’. Don’t believe them. Far better to ask what you may need of people you can trust implicitly- friends and family that have started and run their own businesses. Money and time will be tight and the wrong purchase could be the difference between survival and failure. Every available bit of money and time needs to help you with winning customers in the early months.

Frankly, I’ve been ripped off too many times in the twenty five years I’ve run my own businesses, although to be fair, never by other small business owners. There will always be people trying to get something for nothing out of you – government folk are good at that too. However, I can safely say that it would have been far worse if I hadn’t observed Lord Sugar’s default position which I think is ‘you’ll need to convince me, sunshine’ - distrustful until I know you and even then we’ll stick to exactly what we’ve agreed.

I’ve also been very lucky to have Clare Francis as co-owner and co-director of our businesses, because she’s not as naive as me, indeed most women enterprise owner friends just seem ‘to get on with it’ in a more straightforward way than their male counterparts. Ruth Lowbridge, SFEDI Chair and co-owner, Sarah Anderson CBE and Rachel Elnaugh are other role model entrepreneurs, for me, in business nous.

2. You’re on your own; you can’t rely on anyone to support you.

This is another default position, which I attribute to Lord Sugar that I now adopt. My take on it is that the world’s biggest companies, including banks, will be bailed out by governments and vice versa. However, neither government nor the bank nor your big company supplier will bail you and your small or home business out. This is fact. If you’re losing money you’ll find out immediately that you’re absolutely on your own so it’s best to start and run your business on that basis right now.

Even when you do have security and/or a future order book that a bank will give you an overdraft or a loan from, you’ll find money is an expensive cost, one which your business will not be able to afford in the medium and long term. The classic mistake is paying out the same salary bill in the hard times and hoping a bank or government facility will cover it until business picks up – they won’t help you – they are professional gamblers trying to pick winners.

3. Stick to everything you agree and meet all your commitments.

Successful small and home business owners are the healthiest people in the world. Why? Because we work harder and longer hours than any other group of workers but hardly ever have a day’s sickness absence. This is because we can’t afford to be sick and we know the importance of meeting every commitment we make.

Lord Sugar is renowned for meeting all his commitments. He also pays suppliers as he’s agreed so that he builds credit terms and trust with them. A good business reputation of doing what you say you’ll do is where reliable business relationships, referrals and recommendations come from. These things are priceless.

4. Repeat business is the best business.

All successful small business owners, in my experience, are time poor. They frankly can’t afford the time in meetings and KITs (Keep in Touch sessions) that corporate managers do day to day. To small business owners, travel and meetings keep you away from the real work you need to do to survive and thrive. Another reason for being time poor is that we have to be, or maybe we like to be, all-rounders. I think this is a good thing as we’re involved in all parts of the business and know our products, services and market backwards.

Lord Sugar admits this comes at a price as he doesn’t regard himself as a good delegator. Conversely, I’ve not met a really successful business owner that doesn’t take main responsibility for all of: production (product or service), delivery, suppliers, personnel, customer service and the most important of the lot of them - marketing and sales.

In my view, not Lord Sugar’s I’m sure, the reason many highly trained corporate managers, professionals and graduates make lousy small and home business owners is they can’t, or won’t, go and win the orders. All successful entrepreneurs I’ve met do most of the selling and make all the major deals , That’s why they know that it saves them lots of precious marketing and selling time and usually makes for healthy margins if they can, through excellent customer service, even extra incentives or benefits, persuade existing customers to repeat buy.

5. You know best how to run your own business.

One of the biggest fallacies and frauds, in terms of money being given to big companies and trade bodies by governments, which I’ve tried hard to expose is that we can all learn a lot about how to start and run businesses from the fat cats and their cronies. Large company corporate CEOs, directors, functional leading lights (e.g. HR, Marketing, Brand, Quality, ‘Ethics’), management consultants, management & business studies academics, other professional educators and government advisers aren’t very useful to us. . Small business owners usually cannot learn anything from them because these people just don’t get what you need to do to succeed in your own enterprise.

In fact, because time is more precious to us, there are many things, on average, that business owners do better than corporate or institutional managers – looking after our customers and our staff, for example. So be very careful about time you spend at seminars and events. Only join networks, online and offline, with people that you can genuinely learn from.

Lord Sugar is more outrageous about this and would say something like ‘don’t waste your time and money listening to bullshit – the only people that make any money out of these events are the organisers’.

6. All you need is paper and a pencil and a lot of hard work.

I hope I’ve saved the best and most provocative heading until last. Remember Lord Sugar is no technophobe – he understands ICT and probably likes gadgets too. When I first met him he’d just bought Viglen so he also knows the benefits to business of technology. .

The most important lesson I’ve learned from Lord Sugar, my Dad and my co-owner’s father , who all started and developed very successful businesses is that starting and running your own enterprise is not a complex process. As well as really hard work, a fantastic knowledge of our product and/or service and the market, in order to succeed in our own businesses we must always go back to the basics. That’s good news and is why enterprise is for all and why privilege or higher education are not necessary for your earnings potential as they are for many other career options.

The essential skills will always be the same - just don’t make it complex. You do not need a 30 page business plan – you just need to work out where you’re aiming for and how you might get there and what that means in terms of how you spend your time and money. 90% of start-up plans are likely to be seen as works of fiction within six months. We never really know until we start trading and it’s best to not spend too long planning. Get working, get selling as soon as possible and start earning a living!

It’s more important to find out what will sell and for you to gain the know how to sell it at pre start. We know that with the right support at start up, and some test trading, 85% of new starts will still be trading in 3 years’ time and 6% will go on to be substantial businesses. We’ll never know in advance which the 6% are – otherwise everyone would be falling over themselves to buy a piece of their action – but the reason we formed SFEDI is to do our very best to ensure that there is the right help around to give everyone a good start.

Someone who has started and run their own business can provide invaluable help to you – if they haven’t then beware. There’s something really wrong if you need complex software or finance professionals to tell you how you’re doing. Every successful business owner I know manages cash flow constantly and can write down a very good estimate of all their costs and how much they need to sell in order to cover these costs.

Finally ... loving it

I love Lord Sugar’s story, hope I get this right, that in the early days of his business he’d try to sell all he needed to by Wednesday to cover all the week’s costs so that all the margin from sales on a Thursday and Friday went straight to assets.

Winning and keeping customers, making deals, seeking out opportunities, innovating, developing your brand for credibility, managing cash flow – these are always the basics and how you work at them will make or break your own business . They’ll always be the same bare essentials for success if you want to be your own boss - which is why I wrote ‘Stripping for Freedom’, helped to found and run SFEDI and value what I’ve learned from Lord Sugar.

The Greatest Comedy Sketch Ever

2011-01-07T15:03:00.000-08:00

It's one of my great ambitions to with my sons recreate this brilliant comedy sketch which I've been lucky enough to see live but with Jimmy Casey, Roy Castle and Eli but not the creator Jimmy James. So sit back and enjoy the unbelievable timing (even the cigarette smoking) of Jimmy James.

Book Review: Stripping for Freedom – by Leonora Soculitherz | THE SMALL BUSINESS BLOG

2010-12-15T03:02:00.000-08:00

Book Review: Stripping for Freedom – by Leonora Soculitherz THE SMALL BUSINESS BLOG

Talk The Walk - If You Can't Beat 'Em ..... (Part One)

2010-11-02T02:19:00.000-07:00

As the £1,4 billion Train to Gain scheme bit the dust. in the Spending Review, 75,000 newly funded apprenticeships were announced. There are four reasons why there have been no protests from companies about the loss of Train to Gain. Firstly, in the main the usual suspect larger employers received over 90% of this funding 2)Train to Gain funded training is training these usual suspects would have done anyway especially of training that was legally mandated 3) they've spent the money 4) the same usual suspect companies will expect to scoop the bulk of the 75,000 apprenticeships funding.

Whilst government could create rules that only fund apprenticeships for micro enterprises that are within their first eighteen months of trading (this is where the growth will come from) it is unlikely they will. So micro enterprise owners need to get cannier at looking and talking more like a usual suspect company in order to win government funded support and training. In this first of an occasional series we look at 'Talk the Walk' - speaking the right language.

In order to get their fair share of government funded business and skills support small, micro enterprise owners and the self employed need to learn the lingo of the corporates and senior civil servants. Simply memorise this easy to learn little ditty and you'll always have in your mind an impressive phrase to use when meeting government representatives. Wear a suit (men and women) and you're sure to become an attractive proposition for government funded business and skills support.

JUGGLING TOO MANY BALLS

It was the end of the day but I felt I was under the radar. I needed to make a paradigm shift so I pushed the needle. Out of the window of opportunity I thought I saw an elephant in a room shooting the puppy. I looped back and found the elephant before it swallowed the frog or screwed the pooch. Then I made sure I'd got all my ducks in a row. Just in time I remembered I was a vegetarian so it was case of just-add-water before feeding through the pipeline.

I knew I needed a better view so I chose to drill up on a strategic staircase and follow that with a spot of helicoptering. That was my opportunity for some blue sky thinking and on our way to touch base there was just time for some singing off the same hymn sheet before drilling down for an idea shower.

After my idea shower I got into bed with a prime mover and serious player. It was heads up, belly up, no navel gazing and sprinkle the magic. After sprinkling our magic we went bottom fishing for desk yeti. We then jumped the shark and wrong sided the demographic. Perhaps it was a case of juggling too many balls but after a brain detox we thought outside the box, picked low hanging fruit and at the end of the day could knife and fork it.

(please note: the wonderfully funny and useful guide to enterprise 'Stripping for Freedom' -available at amazon.co.uk - has a glossary explaining the meaning of each of these phrases but it's unlikely that the officials, managers and leaders that you meet, whilst being familiar with all of them, will know what any of them mean.)

The Small Business Policy Writer - After the Spending Review

2010-10-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

If you think the senior civil servants that drafted George Osborne's Spending Review speech had a hard time, please spare a thought for the senior civil servant, in BIS, tonight who is writing some exciting new policies for small business to show that the government 'really, really' cares about them. All of the new policies will need to be put together within a total cost of a £fiver .

Now, you might think a fiver isn't a lot to allocate to small business support, including start ups, but in fact it's not far off what small businesses have received for many years from government. The budgeting is modelled on a Treasury variation of Pareto, it's called the Fat-cat-o rule. It states that 95% of all government skills and support funding, including bale out money, must go to 'substantial employers' (code for fat cats) and civil service infrastructure to quality assure it (code for jobs for the boys), and up to 5% or a fiver (whichever is less) can go to 4.3 million other businesses in the UK.

So think of it that, theoretically, £5.3 billion cuts in BIS will affect 30,000 bigger businesses. But only a little bit because they've already taken the money and run. It will still leave the fiver, that there was before, to help start ups and small business owners to survive and thrive.

It does mean that the civil servant who is drafted in to write the new small business support policies won't fit with your picture of a drab, grey, middle aged man on £150,000 a year awaiting his millionaire's pension, yacht and retirement mansion, often but not always in that order. No, this civil servant will be a creative sort - a fantasist. Ever since the election, and the inexorable rise of the dream party coalition, this person will have been locked up in a room in Ivory Tower or the dungeons at 1 Victoria Street, as far away as possible from the influence of real small business owners, until they come up with the goods. Their only two companions will be the complete works of JK Rowling and an inspiring photograph of a new, yet ridiculously rich, small business owner - usually Tony Blair.

Now you may say that you've heard government announcements from time to time like '£60 million invested into small firms training' . Ah, but in fact by the time they've set up the infrastructure, including quality assurance, and then brought in the contractors to deliver the training there's usually only - good, you're catching on - a fiver - left for the small business owner.

We asked our expert civil servant small business policy writer watcher what they thought we might expect in terms of small business support policy following the Spending Review 'Three things' said our anonymous expert 'and maybe a couple of others as padding which will never see the light of day. I expect the new initiatives to support small businesses to be derived from what are known in the policy writing trade as ESB, OAHBS and TURDV.

'Let me explain,' our anonymous expert continued, ' ESB – the Entrepreneurial Smart Box’, OAHBS (pronounced Oh, Ah, Bees) – the Open All Hours Business School and the TURDV (the V is silent) – Training U-like Response Discount Vouchers’.

The Minister will be able to announce that he is ‘delighted that these three 'joined up' initiatives can be delivered with a light touch but represent a step change in additionality.These initiatives are truly original and bear no relationship to what has worked in helping start ups and growing businesses in the past.'

'In fact,' he will continue, 'the ESB, Entrepreneurial Smart Box, was ‘trail-blazed’ in five regions with twelve entrepreneurs per region locked away in a top hotel/leisure resort for eight weeks. There the entrepreneurs could mix business with leisure and bounce ideas off each other. Their conversations were taped and fed back to them as they slept. This ‘learning from peers’ process was felt to be very successful and eight weeks deemed to be just long enough for a business to prove that it could survive without the presence of the Owner Manager. Indeed, nearly two-thirds of the businesses did survive.

The OAHBS – Open All Hours Business School has proven very popular with small business owners who need to relax after business hours with a drink. Top business schools at Cranfield, Durham, Warwick, Scarborough and Manchester now mix the ‘gin’ of management and leadership development with the ‘tonic’ of entrepreneurial ribaldry and retribution. An additional feature is the opportunity to visit other Business schools by train. Indeed, one entrepreneur rated the experience of six hours of buffet trolley hospitality between Scarborough and York as ‘staggering’.

Finally, TURDV – Training U-like Response Discount Vouchers allows the small business owner to invest in technology and to maximise their use of it. So, for example, a business owner purchasing any Microsoft Office package will be given £50 in vouchers for training support by Microsoft for any other Microsoft software they purchase next. A similar voucher scheme is likely to be used by banks for micro loans to start ups. So, instead of money the prospective entrepreneur will be given vouchers which will be redeemable against business planning advice from a bank adviser. Much more useful'

A lot to look forward to then, for a fiver, from small business policy after the Spending Review.

CULLING FOR KINDNESS - MY ENTERPRISE SPENDING REVIEW

2010-10-10T03:05:00.000-07:00

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As you know from my latest animated short movie 'A Sting In The Tail' http://www.youtube.com/soculitherz#p/a/u/0/13Ez-QHiEq0 the problem with government 'getting' enterprise is not really that much to do with public schoolboys and Oxbridge graduates that have never started and run an enterprise. It is much more to do with the role of their advisers, namely,  senior civil servants, top johnny consultants and glampreneurs. If we rounded this lot up into the penthouse office suites of Ivory Tower or the dungeons of BIS at 1 Victoria Street and asked them questions about enterprise, and the skills and support required to do it, what would we find?

We'd find out that we have well meaning, very bright and highly qualified people with a pretty fair knowledge of the City, corporate management, leadership, 'walk the walk' jargon, professional occupations and traditional, functional vocations. They will even have an inkling of what businesses that start up with lots of financial backing, staff and even large amounts of first year's revenue (e.g.Tony Blair's, alleged, £12 million consultancy biz) look like. They will know what an independent retailer, an e-bay trader, a small private gym, a barber's shop, an independent cafe and a B&B in Scarborough  (no - strike that) look like.

What most of these advisers to Ministers, like the Ministers themselves, are absolutely clueless on is what the 1 in 7 of the adult workforce, running their own enterprises, actually have to do in order to earn their living. They think there's something wrong with us, as small and home business owners, if we let on that the owner of most of the 400,000 start ups a year will earn less than £12,000 in the first year for themselves. They think there's something wrong that as many start up their own business out of necessity rather than opportunity. They can't see that starting and running our own enterprise is in fact the top UK career option - for many of us it's even all we can do.

They'll think there's something wrong that 90% of us work very long hours but have no intention of taking on more and in most cases, any, staff. They think there's something wrong with our ambition that most of us will start and continue working from home. They'll think there's something wrong that most of us prefer controlling our own destiny, by being our own boss, and prefer the online and offline community of others that do the same We'd rather do that then joining a professional or sector body to  follow the best practice of the corporates.

Even glampreneur advisers to government don't always understand all of this. Enterquest published a survey of enterprise owners, this week, which showed that most thought that Dragons Den entrepreneurs, overall, were not helpful to small business).

Many of these government advisers say that most small business owners, like me, are 'Not strategic enough', 'Can't manage', 'Poor business plan', 'Banks would lend if they got half decent proposals', 'No idea on recruitment', motivation and people'. Indeed, they think there's something wrong when we say 'Selling your product or service', and getting the most hours each week doing this, is the most vital enterprise skill - 'can't others do that?'

There may be plenty wrong with us but none of the above. However, the growth in self employment and micro enterprises (don't like the 'word' - 'SMEs') over the last 20 years has truly, and proudly, made us the new working class of Britain and we are very different from these government advisers.

We are also where all the growth will come from, where the new jobs come from, where the innovation comes from, and where economic well being, communities and social cohesion will be built from.  We probably wouldn't even swap places with our 'higher ups'.

However, the government's enterprise support and learning policies will always be lost in translation until this yawning (still with us?) gap of understanding is closed between government advisers and enterprise owners.

For policies to work, and most importantly to be implemented in a way that works (everyone will say its working if they're receiving funding to do it - even if it's the daftest thing you ever saw). these advisers must understand what attitudes, skills and know how are really needed to start and run your own self employed, micro or small enterprise.

Government and their advisers must also understand who is trusted by us, as small business owners, to help us gain the appropriate support, skills and know how to succeed (other small business owners and accountants usually come out top).

The stakes are high. With the right support, skills and know-how over 85% of all start ups will still be trading in 3 years time and 6% will become substantial businesses.

We have £millions of research and tens of thousands of small business owners each year providing testimony as to what is required and who should provide it. This evidence includes what pre start and start up support is essential and what must be available to all. It includes what the banks must do, what the colleges and universities must do, what the enterprise support communities must do and to how enterprise networks like Ecademy, Institute of Enterprise and Entrepreneurs and others can be enabled to do more.

The sting in the tail is that I don't see any likelihood of these advisers wanting to get their hands dirty by really finding out - certainly not to the point of understanding and empathy.

Therefore, my recommendation is that the Spending Review should announce that there will be no government department responsible for business support, innovation and skills. There will be no BIS.

I realise this means lots of job losses in BIS and in the consultancies they contract with but I know we'll help them all as start ups and ultimately they may be poorer but they'll be a damned sight happier and more interesting.. This solution means no more government funded business support or skills interventions. It means no more government support for any size of private sector organisation. So it will mean no more bale outs to the fat cats, no more trade missions, no more Business Links or local replacements for these, no more colleges and universities funded to provide management, leadership or entrepreneurship courses and no government funded start up support and training.

I think enterprise (self employed, micro and small and home business owners) can do it for themselves and make the UK the best place to start and run your own enterprise. We'll even mentor the unemployed wanting to become self employed - free of charge, initially. Naturally we'll set up enterprises to do all of this and most people will pay for quality enterprise support and training - but surely that's better?

It's the government intervention, without understanding, that is no longer affordable and is holding enterprise back..

Stripping For Freedom

2010-10-04T02:07:00.000-07:00

Stripping For Freedom

A Sting In The Tail (Dark Secret Part Two)

2010-10-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

YouTube - Soculitherz's Channel#p/a/u/0/13Ez-QHiEq0#p/a/u/0/13Ez-QHiEq0

2010-10-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

'A Sting in the Tail' (Dark Secret Part Two) Here's the second animated extract from the best selling satire and 'Be your own Boss' guide 'Stripping for Freedom'. Enjoy.
YouTube - Soculitherz's Channel#p/a/u/0/13Ez-QHiEq0#p/a/u/0/13Ez-QHiEq0

'I'm Sad Again' sung by 'Big Boy' Nord Baldrick

2010-08-16T03:46:00.000-07:00

Inviting your clients to your home? | Home Business Network

2010-06-22T03:00:00.000-07:00

Inviting your clients to your home? | Home Business Network

YouTube - Soculitherz's Channel

2010-06-08T02:04:00.000-07:00

YouTube - Soculitherz's Channel

Is it a good idea to get a coach? | Home Business Network

2010-05-19T02:33:00.000-07:00

Is it a good idea to get a coach? | Home Business Network

Ex-MPs Bootcamps

2010-04-01T02:26:00.001-07:00

Ex-MPs Bootcamps

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Management Jargon - To Use It Or Not? | Home Business Network

2010-03-27T04:47:00.000-07:00

Management Jargon - To Use It Or Not? | Home Business Network

Any thoughts on Lord Mandelson's commitment to small businesses? | Home Business Network

2010-03-23T03:29:00.000-07:00

Any thoughts on Lord Mandelson's commitment to small businesses? | Home Business Network

I must get out more | Home Business Network

2010-03-18T10:41:00.000-07:00

I must get out more | Home Business Network

Leonora Soculitherz's SfF No 2 in Malta Photo Album - MySpace Photos

2010-03-18T10:26:00.000-07:00

Leonora Soculitherz's SfF No 2 in Malta Photo Album - MySpace Photos

UK's New Sheeprentices Scheme

2010-01-31T17:14:00.000-08:00

UPDATE ON SHEEP ENTREPRENEUR APPRENTICESHIP SCHEME IN THE UK

From: Leonora Soculitherz – a cave in the Yukon (just a precaution fans)

Sunday, January 24th 2010

Dear Fans and Followers,

I received a letter from my hapless and hopeless UK agent, Tony Robinson (TR), today. I'd like to share it with you as it shows that nothing much has changed for the better in the UK since I left last summer, apart from, of course, that Stripping for Freedom 2nd edition was published there this month.

A word of explanation. As my readers will know, TR is not only a hopeless agent, an uncoordinated danger (to hair and frocks) at dinners, parties and receptions but he is also a past master at mangling the English language. I'm sure that no-one has understood what he's said for years. This makes it all the stranger that he acts as a consultant to Oxbridge educated, well dressed, London based, senior civil servants. I've always suspected that they write his reports and recommendations to themselves and of course he's dirt cheap – enough money for a cinder toffee ice cream and a pint of Black Sheep and he's anybody's.

Talking of sheep that is why he wrote to me. He was seeking my advice. Why he expects to me know anything about sheep puzzles me but my best guess is that he confuses Canadians, like me, with New Zealanders. As he will never visit either place, has no spatial awareness and a pathetic grasp of what inhabits planet earth it is unlikely he will appreciate that there is a difference in size between the two countries, some distance between them and that the Arctic polar bear is unlikely to be found in Christchurch or the kiwi in Toronto.

The reason he was seeking my advice on sheep is that he has set up a 'School for Entrepreneurial Sheep' near Goathland (he probably thought this sounded appropriate) on the N. Yorkshire Moors. How he came to win this government funded contract to train enterprise skills and know how to sheep may be surprising to you but it is not surprising to me.

Apparently some government departments had an underspend (amazing really after all the £billions they've used up supporting big companies in handouts, training and the Private Finance Initiative schemes). The priorities like expense/allowance claims, second homes, pensions, city bonuses, ex Ministers top 500 consultancies and Iraq damage limitation inquiries had all been dealt with and so some speculative new programmes could now be funded.

TR had been to see them about enterprise apprenticeships in the land-based industries. I suspect he'd been interested in farmers' sons and daughters setting up micro breweries but as usual his inability to speak English completely confused his potential clients. What he left the meeting with was a short term contract, to be completed this financial year (March 31st), to pilot an enterprise academy for farm animals, starting with sheep.

Apparently, when TR had, probably hopefully, thrown the words 'supply chain' into the conversation the civil servants thought he'd come up with a novel idea of a reverse supply chain. Simply put this would get the animals which provide the end products (wool, beef, bacon, milk, eggs, turkey) to gain more entrepreneurial skills and then teach these skills up line to the farmer, and the farmer to the abattoir manager, and so on, eventually reaching the Tesco and McDonalds directors and finally Government Ministers. Who would know more about innovation, risk taking, increasing productivity and better value for money for customers than the animal itself? Here's TR's letter to me:

A School - somewhere in North Yorkshire - Thursday 21st January 2010

Dear Leonora,

My first sheeprentices have arrived but I'm not convinced they quite have the right attitude for entrepreneurship - sheepish isn't the kind of outgoing behaviour we were looking for. The little lambs seem to have more get up and go – but they've gone and I don't know where. Anyway, any advice you can give would be welcome as Ofsted are inspecting in a week's time. Hopefully, by then, they'll at least have learned to sit still at their desks.

They look startled all the time - is that normal? They seem to only know the first two letters of the alphabet and in the reverse order. It's going to be a long job to get them ready to do their pitch on Dragons' Den and I'm not even going to mention the word dragon at this stage. Sir Alan Sugar will be a bit frustrated with them, on his show, as even when you split them up into different teams they all go off together and intermingle. No obvious leaders up to now.

I've taken the advice of a local farmer to try to keep them in line with the threat of mint sauce and a salsa dip but as I can't understand much of his Yorkshire accent, this far North in Yorkshire, I've no idea why. I don't think my dream of becoming the Farm Animal Enterprise Tsar is going to happen. My brief was a bit woolly from the start and I wasn't sure about the local Business Link diagnostic to select the candidates.

Any help will be greatly appreciated

Your faithful, and honoured, literary agent,

Tony Robinson OBE

Global Stripping for Freedom Day (January 1st) - Leonora Soculitherz's MySpace Blog | www.EntrepreneursUK.com

2009-12-28T14:24:00.000-08:00

Global Stripping for Freedom Day (January 1st) - Leonora Soculitherz's MySpace Blog | www.EntrepreneursUK.com

Ministers' Speeches Automatic Translator Launched

2009-12-07T13:36:00.000-08:00

The Soculitherz patented, automatic, simultaneous translator (in hot pink) of Ministers’ speeches for Senior Civil Servants.

As part of the government speed and efficiency drive, which lasts several months up to the announcement of the next election, Ministers have found a way of reducing the time they need to spend with their senior civil servants. Ministers have commissioned Canadian celebrity, fashionista, investigative journalist and absurd British rituals analyst, Leonora Soculitherz, to devise ‘a process to deliver’ automatic, simultaneous translations of their speeches This will enable senior civil servants to understand immediately what was meant by the phrases used.

Ms Soculitherz was regarded as ideal for this job as a) she is expensive and a celebrity b) she is reclusive, is abroad and speaks French i.e. the press can’t interview her, and, c) she has spent a lot of time following the language and habits of the UK’s leadership species in their own environment. This includes politicians and senior civil servants in historical, posh and privileged gaffs, UK financial sector executives in either casinos or lap dancing clubs and fat cat, major employers getting fatter from handouts in historical, posh and privileged gaffs, casinos and lap dancing clubs.

Government are so pleased with Ms Soculitherz’s patented, simultaneous translator (in hot pink) that they have allowed her hapless but only authorised UK agent, Tony Robinson, to post this BBC report on today’s announced ‘Government Spending Cut Backs’ to show how it works. The automatic, simultaneous translation for the senior civil servants is in bold.

Brown promises action on 'excessive' public sector pay

Gordon Brown outlined the plan for spending cuts at the Royal Society in London
Gordon Brown has said overpaid public sector workers will be "named and shamed" (don’t worry this is v. unlikely - only applies to those criticising our policies or track record) in efforts to deliver more value for money in public services.
Ahead of Wednesday's pre-Budget report, the PM said "efficiency savings" (‘efficiency’ means ‘hypothetical’ throughout i.e. budgets for projects we would have spent if we had not decided not to spend anything or any more on these projects plus we’ve added a bit more hypothetical savings on top - using numbers that are really, really easy for us all to add up or divide) would help to save £12bn over four years - £3bn more than planned in the Budget.

‘Crime maps’ and ‘online school reports’ will be used to cut overheads as Labour tries to halve the Budget deficit (just routine tech gobbledygook – again don’t worry they’re just a repackaging of electronic data we’ve got already – we’ve got more data on everyone than any other country in the world which is why we can afford to lose so much of it on trains, planes and taxis – hee, hee..).

The Conservatives say the government is not being straight on the cuts needed.
The government has delayed its planned ‘comprehensive spending review’ until after a general election (whenever you see the word ‘review’ this relates to a distant point in time by which time the need for a review will have been overtaken by other events.)

'Culture of excess'

In the pre-Budget report, Mr Darling is expected to confirm annual borrowing will ‘top £175bn’ - which the government has promised to halve within four years (the word ‘top’ is an indicator to you that the figures have been inflated but are still really, really easy to add up or divide – they’re so big no-one understands how we guessed them in the first place and we always add on the odd £25 billion so that we can show a big improvement through cuts & savings).

In his speech in central London, Mr Brown said ministers had identified ‘£3bn in additional efficiency savings’ since the Budget in April. (we thought 3 was a great number – spooky I know - but if you divide 9 by 3 you get 3 so we added another 3 to get 12) Of that, ‘£1.3bn over four years’ (again it’s all in the maths using the lucky number 3 – our fave of the really, really easy numbers - so if you divide the 12 by 3 you get 4 then divide the 4 by 3 and you get 1.3 – hey presto) would be achieved by streamlining central government, he said, indicating that certain ‘programmes would have to be delayed or abandoned’ (ie. hypothetical programmes we never could have afforded we’ve now saved by delaying or abandoning what we were never going to do).

Government spending on ‘consultants’ would be cut by half and communication spending by a quarter - saving £650m - while more Civil Service staff would be relocated from London to "cheaper" premises. (please, please don’t worry the consultants or the staff – basically before anything happens to staff or consultants there has to be a ‘review’ and the consultant’s charges will be hidden within the £60 million costs of each relocation plus the hypothetical staff savings)

Whitehall departments could set up "common spending policies" (we may have to use less consultants and companies to deliver our programmes but give each one of them a lot more money each – this continues our current procurement practice to save the bother of having too many small suppliers – all getting too little from us) and ‘share office space’ (we’ll have a lot of empty space in the new premises we buy for relocation and the old premises we can’t get rid of – it’ll be a bit of a muddle for a while) , as part of a "third generation of changes in public services" (we kept to our overall theme of 3 as in 3rd – don’t worry there wasn’t a 1st and 2nd that you missed).

In its report, Putting The Frontline First, the government points out there are now 4,300 senior civil servants compared with 3,100 in the mid-1990s. (yes, we know, we rounded up again which is always best when you’re rushing – if you divide 3,100 by 3 you get 1033 – so the real, hypothetical number of current senior civil servants – no-one will ask us how we defined ‘senior’ - should have been 4,233)

Mr Brown said public sector workers earning an "over-generous" (we haven’t found any of these yet) salary would be "named and shamed" (see above – don’t worry if you’re on our side), as many had "lost touch" (if we do find any then there must be some other perks and kick backs that they’re getting that the rest of us aren’t - this kind of unsharing, ungiving abnormality will not be tolerated (except in former leading public servants).

In future, all new public sector jobs with salaries above £150,000 (i.e you’ll have to make do with the £129k to £147k current pay band until after the election but we’ll see what we can do on allowances),will have to be approved by the Treasury while the details of civil servants and other public sector managers under direct ministerial control currently earning that amount will be published.

Government would use technological advances to make services more user-friendly and cheaper. As an example, ‘sending text messages to remind patients about GP appointments could help save up to £600m a year wasted on missed visits.’ (I know, I know - we will need a team of crack £147k p.a. leading public servants to set up a Sector Skills Council - Skills4GP&Patient Texting so that we can pay leading consultants to devise training methods for massive training companies, from overseas, to deliver to GPs and patients so that no-one inadvertently texts ‘u’ll b dead 11 tmrw – dr T’ instead of ‘u’ll b due at 11 tmrw – dr T’)

Finis

ONE NIGHT IN TORONTO

2009-08-03T16:02:00.000-07:00

ONE NIGHT IN TORONTO

(The big ‘Stripping for Freedom’ interview is in three parts – this is part one)

What follows is the transcript of an exclusive interview which took place on the evening of August 1st 2009 in celebration of Yorkshire day. This interview with Canadian celebrity, fashionista and style guru, Leonora Soculitherz was obtained after painstaking negotiations with her only authorised and official UK Literary Agent, Tony Robinson (aka Nord Baldrick - in Scandinavian countries). Ms Soculitherz has refused all visitors and interviews since returning to Canada after her latest, very stressful, investigative assignment in the UK. This assignment is described in her new, unputdownable, ultimate page turner – ‘Stripping for Freedom’. Ms Soculitherz insisted on an e-mail interview with her in Toronto and Mr Robinson in Scarborough, or further away from her if he could manage it.

TR: This was the first time you’ve been to the UK since working with me in your 2004 book ‘Buzzing with the Entrepreneurs’ – have you seen many changes in those five years?

LS: In London I was surprised at how invisible the self employed and small business owners are to government policy and how the fat cats and leading politicians are allowed to just get fatter, considering everything they touch turns to dust. Plus I noticed that there are even more people wearing fleeces in Scarborough. I never imagined that any of these things were possible.

TR: Why did it take you so long to come back to the UK?

LS: It wasn’t for a shortage of offers from my publisher to do another investigative assignment in the UK. It was really just down to the fact that I couldn’t face the prospect of working with you again.

TR: What changed your mind?

LS: I was told that you’d found God and were less bizarre. Also it was a well paid, challenging assignment. The assignment certainly proved challenging but the description of you was a total lie. You hadn’t found God but a D…O…G, called Shaggy, in a Rescue Centre.

TR: Not fair. It is a faith that Shaggy and I share in backwards looking – it makes what’s in front of you more unexpected and exciting. Anyway, lots of people find new beliefs in later life. You’re just turning the big 40 - hasn’t your value set changed?

LS: Gee thanks for telling everyone. Delete that - next question?

TR: In ‘Stripping for Freedom’ for the first time, in one of your books, there is a love interest. Yet at the end of the book it is unclear whether you and ‘Awake the Volcano Within’ motivational guru, Ant Cracie, are still an item. Are you?

LS: No comment. These questions are rubbish - next?

TR: My follow up question to your answer to that last question would have been ‘Did you cry yourself to sleep like Peter Andre did after he split with Katie Price?’

LS: It would have been another rubbish question - I’ve never heard of these people!!!

TR: Well Katie Price was better known as a celebrity glamour model called Jordan renowned for her enhanced breasts which she’s now had slightly un-enhanced… she presents TV programmes and allows cameras into her home to see her relationship with her celebrity singer husband, which is just off, sings but can’t sing and writes best selling novels by audio and plays Polo as the celebrity Katie Price now – it’s a bit complicated really…..

LS: Look – you’re my agent. Ask me questions about ‘Stripping for Freedom’!!!!

TR: OK but I thought they were damn interesting questions. I’ve got one about everyone’s new fave, Lady Gaga, and that she puts her success down to the fact that she realised when she was stripping that people took more notice of her - but I suppose your book isn’t really about proper stripping is it?

LS: Well the whole book is an expose (joke). You’re right. I use the notion of stripping for a living, as told to me by my friend K, as a metaphor for what you need to do and know in order to escape your sad, corporate cubicle and go it alone in your own enterprise?

TR: Why did you only interview entrepreneurs that no-one has ever heard of?

LS: In a word – authenticity.

TR: Oh. What would you like a question on next? I’ve got one here on your fashion advice on Spanx and tights and leggings or on the all powerful global leadership network - Tochen?

LS: Tochen.

TR: OK then. Would I be right in saying that you regard the secretive, not so secret now, secret global network – Tochen – as being responsible for many of the secrets we’ve yet to explain or uncover?

LS: What?! Have you read my book? It’s not secret just because they don’t have a building or a logo. Everyone knows that the richest and most powerful people in the world meet together - often before they even become famous or really influential. For example, they meet together in societies at university or in groups linked to their political or religious beliefs. Collecting personal data is one of the things that they all have in common. This is one of the reasons why so many confidential, public databases are left lying around for anyone to find - they’re probably duplicates that they haven’t been able to swap amongst themselves to complete their collection. All I uncover is just how pervasive the ‘daddy network of them all’ is – Tochen.

TR: That’s OK then. I liked your fashion advice and descriptions of Scarborough seagulls better anyway. Finally to close this first part of our interview – in a word - to what do you put down the cult of Soculitherz?

LS: As your government would say - transparency

_____ End of Part One__

Clare Francis reviews Stripping for Freedom

2009-07-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

Soculitherz Returns To The UK And Exposes The Lot

Canadian fashionista, turned investigative journalist, Leonora Soculitherz returns to the UK with another very funny exposé. This time it is our fat cats, corporate clowns and insane politicians who are unclothed. Many celebrities are named and conspiracy theories abound.

Through a series of interviews with (completely unknown) ‘leading’ entrepreneurs, nearly a hundred 'Leonorisms' are gleaned. 'Leonorisms' are practical tips that will help you to swap your cubicle in the sad, bad, rat race for the freedom of running your own enterprise.

Ms Soculitherz's latest book tips her hat towards Gulliver's Travels.However, instead of describing fictitious beings in mythical places, she treats us to the wit and wisdom of real characters, many of whom reside in Europe, Britain and Yorkshire's government recognised 'Most Enterprising Place', Scarborough.

Along the way there are some surprisingly useful style tips - “Ankle boots can still be cool, but with leggings means pigs trotters” - is a maxim to which I heartily subscribe. However, I don't always agree with her snap judgements on people, such as “ always be wary of people with a forename for a surname”.

This time there is a love interest with a hunky American motivational guru. The hunky American and a secretive global network of the rich and powerful compete for her attention alongside her investigation into why our fat cats and politicians continue to get rich even though everything they touch turns to dust.

The reclusive Ms Soculitherz has now returned to Canada, leaving the promotion of her latest book in the hands of her long suffering/long suffered agent, Tony (not the famous one) Robinson. Robinson says: “I expect 'Stripping' to be really hot this Christmas. We're thinking of making it available to the over 50s only, as some of the content can lead to binge laughter, which is a serious health risk”.

Soculitherz has packed her book with bonus features, including useful websites to help you start your own enterprise and a massive glossary of useful leadership speak phrases to get you noticed by the fat cats and politicians. An example of a glossary entry is: “ Navel gazing: all fluff and nonsense”, or “Check we’re singing off the same hymnsheet: your alibi is best”'.

There is little upon which Soculitherz doesn’t feel free to sharpen her razor sharp tongue. If you’d like tips about relationships – “with men or furnishings, renovate rather than flat pack every time” – advice on how to get out of the rat race and in to your own business, or whether you’re just out for a humorous read, you’ll find something in this book for you.

Stripping for Freedom by Leonora Soculitherz is available direct at www.entrepreneursuk.com and on Amazon. All direct online orders to www.entrepreneursuk.com will ensure the book is personally signed by her agent, Tony Robinson OBE @ £9.95 ( plus postage and packaging) - just go to www.entrepreneursuk.com

Stripping for Freedom Now Out

2009-07-07T05:43:00.000-07:00

My latest book 'Stripping for Freedom' is out now, to rave reviews - naturally. If you order it from www.entrepreneursuk.com I promise to allow my idiot agent Tony Robinson to personally sign it for you on my behalf. If you want it without his signature then use Amazon.

Loving Stripping

2008-07-03T07:02:00.000-07:00

Hi Leonora, Luv Stripping. Went to one of your 'Awake the Volcano Within' workshops but didn't understand the handshake stuff - could ya replay? Robbiexx

Leonora replies:

Thanks Robbie. Shaking hands with yourself releases vital entrepreneurial energy from the right side of the brain. This in turn enables the left side of the brain where dexterity, speed of thought and movement emanate from. You'll solve problems quicker and just fly between meetings. Shake hands with yourself regularly, say 3 times an hour, and you'll see fast results. You'll be down to 5 minute client meetings and you'll even leave the room with more business.

If you remember I advised you to couple this tip with practicing your smile - your most influential feature. 20Twenty20 smile practice. 20 smiles in twenty seconds and practice twenty times a day. Tube travel, train travel, shiny shoes and shop windows are all smile practice opportunities where you'll get immediate feedback on how you're doing.

So shake hands with yourself regularly and learn how to flash that winning smile - how do you think George W became so influential?

7/7

2005-08-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

7/7
Just over a month has passed but the sick, sad, hopeless feeling remains. I was there and lucky. I think about the dead or wounded – most were always seconds away from me – wrong place, wrong time – mostly drawn to Kings Cross underground in the morning rush hour because we all have to earn a crust. The newspaper photographs make each lucky survivor cry. Many of us still here are beyond the victims’ time with less talent and joy left to give. Many of them, like thousands of us, will have always hated tubes and trains. We’re always hoping for the meeting to be cancelled or the trip to be postponed and, selfishly, never more so than now. For thirty years, from the IRA bombings, through train and tube disasters, we’ve always known the underground might be our tomb.

So, there was calm acceptance, no surprise, as we evacuated Kings Cross and no surprise as we saw the shocked and walking wounded at Russell Square tube. But I swear the blood drained from everyone’s face, and the shock remains with us today, from the bang of the blown up bus behind us. By now we were watching the telly and sipping our cappuccinos, just a stone’s throw away in ‘Night and Day’ in Upper Woburn Place.

We stayed put and impotent. How I wish I’d learned first aid. What use is writing when there are bodies to be mended and minds to be calmed? So, bloody useless – you want to help but you can’t dredge up anything useful you can do.

And the television presenter still told us about a suspected power surge and the pictures still showed the scenes of an hour previous. Damn this ‘official’ manipulation of the media – we’ve been sickened by it for years from every country the US decides to carpet bomb for wealth or ‘regime change’ or ‘to democratise’ or ‘strike first’ or whatever sound bite rationale works best for this omnipotent ‘grand acquisitor’*. Here we hated the trickery on Ireland, WMD and Kelly but somehow media manipulation and government spin has always hurt more when you immediately know the truth.

Within hours I was walking away from the carnage towards Oxford Street, now a film set ghost town, brightly lit with a teeth searing, ear piercing, soundtrack of sirens and helicopters. 7.5 hours later I was drinking London Pride, appropriate I felt, in one of the few bars still open. 24 hours later I was walking through London, not yet brave enough to use the underground, going to a pointless meeting where people would pontificate, pout and preen and be ‘strategic’ to earn a crust whilst useful, real workers, hero-citizens are mining the tunnels to find those that no longer could.

So, if ever there was a day to understand fate but vow to control what one can control of your ‘working’ destiny – this was it. It may be a time to think about leaving the rat race and stripping for freedom. It may be a time to stop commuting, even work from home. It may be a time to fully utilise your talents, sacrificing earnings and status for something more worthwhile. It may be a time to give support and joy to others. It may be a time to start a new entrepreneurial journey with you at the wheel. A month on though, each new journey of mine still comes with a bloodless companion.

* ‘grand acquisitor’ is a term coined by Philip Gigantes in the excellent book ‘Power and Greed – a short history of the world’

There’s a lot more help for professionals and executives going it alone, including the new ‘Rat Race Escape Kit’ at www.entrepreneursuk.com